Opening scene:
The sun is slowly rising, brightening up the Cleveland Municipal Parking Lot (more commonly known as The Muni Lot).
An aerial view via drone shows Browns faithful frolicking amongst their cars and RVs bonging beers, shot gunning beers, chugging beers, peeing all over the place, puking, fighting, and firing up grills.
The drone is heading east and hovers over a little section that looks like an amateur show set of some sort. The TV audience notices what looks to be a small film crew set up around a few fold-out card tables pushed together with a giant metal pot on top.
The drone gets lower and the camera angle changes so that it looks like the viewers are sitting right in the Muni Lot with a shirtless, burly man standing confidently behind said card tables.
A hastily scribbled Steelers logo is Sharpied on his chest.
He looks directly into the camera, can’t hold back his smirk and yells “BAMMMMMMM BITCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” as loud as he can, the live audience of 19 men erupt in a raucous applause.
The cameras are officially rolling and a homemade local show starts up as if it were 2005 all over again…
Conneaut Joe: That’s right BITCH! Back when this show was in its prime I was a brainwashed sheep, wasting my time and emotions on the CLOWNS! Since then I’ve wisened up and jumped ship to a winner! OH ANTONIO! DO I HAVE SOME ADULT THEMED GOLDEN BOY FARM CHORES FOR YOU WHEN THIS SHOW WRAPS!!!! Huh huh when this show wraps.
I’m not constrained by the censors this time around either! I can say whatever the hell I want! TOOT TOOT BITCH!!!! The Kent State media production stooges would always try to get me in trouble for swearing when I wasn’t even fucking swearing…aw shit! Goddamnit!!! Jesus Christ…
Anyway, even though I’m rooting for a winner instead of trash now, I’m really here for two things:
To prove that I can still cook & to school you bitches on the upcoming FFBMCO season, a league in which I dominate!!!!
Commissioner Brian, yelling from audience: Aloha brah! The league is going into it’s 6th year and you’ve never won!
Conneaut Joe: Shut the hell up before my Golden Boys swindle the division again Hawaiian Brine! I’m the motherfucking all time wins and points leader bitch! Almost at 7,000 prrrrecious points! I AM THE PLANTATION OWNER OF THE GOLDEN BOY FARM, KNEEL BEFORE ME!
Tv audience sees the following graphic on their screens
Entire live audience of 19 FFBMCO owners: Looking puzzled, shrugging shoulders, trading confused looks with each other etc.
Conneaut Joe: You might notice the divisions and teams are the same. That’s right bitch! No fresh blood for me to feast upon this year!
Anyway, there’s been a poll on the homepage for months that only like half of the league has voted on. OH HI PEONS! VOTE FOR ISSUES THAT IMPACT YOU! NNNDA THIS IS YOUR KEEPER LEAGUE SO INSTEAD OF WHINING LIKE PEASANTS MAKE YOUR VOICES HEARD ON POLICIES YOU WANT…Jesus Christ…
Nick Fischer interrupting from the audience: Man Joe! I’ll be honest, I never log into that site. Why do we even have it? I don’t even know how to login…
Conneaut Joe: Goddamnit Fish, where is your life babysitter? The site outlines all of the rules for people like you and clearly explains what’s going on with the league and when things are due and what the contests are and…God, why am I even explaining this to you. Shaun Herrick can you please tell the children how to use the internet?
Commissioner Shaun: (whispers) Damnit… (clears throat and speaks loudly) Once again your user name is your first name if there is nobody in the league who shares that name, or your first name with the first letter of your last name if someone shares your first name. Your password is your username. That is of course you changed it and now don’t remember it, meaning you have to reset it like you would for any other site in the history of the internet?
Scott: I feel like we should give them an example. Pat’s Computer Rescue provides the best service out there so don’t half ass it just because you’re off the clock. SHOUT OUT BISCUITS & PORN!
Commissioner Shaun: (whispers) Damnit… (clears throat and speaks loudly again) Assuming Bob never changed his password, he would type http://ffbmco.com into his browser and click Enter. He would then type Bob into the username box and Bob into the password box and then press enter or click ok…KILL ME!
Bob: (does the Bob chuckle) I mean even Charlie knows how to login.
Charlie: (Confused) DEALLLL???
Bob: (does the Bob chuckle again) Oh not you, my son Charlie…he’s a young child.
Charlie: Oh! So T-I-T-E!
Conneaut Joe: Oh hell no, I said Dumb Charlie wasn’t allowed to come!
Charlie: Yikes, always so angry…
Conneaut Joe: I hate you Charlie Sweeney!!!
Charlie: NO DEAL!
Conneaut Joe: (Exasperated, reaches under the table and throws a beat up half empty case of PBR on to the table. Glares angrily at Charlie, opens one, and takes a big chug. He chokes a little and punches himself in the chest a couple times and burps. He stares directly into the camera).
Whoever doesn’t know how to login to this simple site better make me a FUCKIN FRUIT DRINK!!!
You know what? Yes, I was a history teacher for a second because I thought it would be a good ideal, and yes I mentor inner city children but I’m done being professor on my NFL Sunday. I am here to show everyone how to make the Stanonik Tailgate Specialty “Beef & Pepper Casserole” before my precious Steelers stomp all over the Clowns.
Joe Kline: Awwww yeahhh!!! Go Steelers!!! I mean heck, if we get LeVeon motivated, look out!!!
Conneaut Joe: Huh…who the hell are you?
Commissioner Brian: That’s Joe Kline Joe, he’s been in the league since day one and you’ve met him at least 8 times.
Conneaut Joe: Joe Dunbar?
Commissioner Brian: No Joe, he left the league after year 4.
Conneaut Joe: Oh that was the Burkhardt Bandits kid we annexed, huh huh annexed.
Charlie: Annexed?! You mean exiled?!
Conneaut Joe: Fuck you Charlie!!!
Commissioner Brian: Joe…It’s Joe Kline. An actual Pittsburgh person who is an actual Steelers fan that you’ve met so many times…
Conneaut Joe: *blank stare, inaudible mumble* Oh go to hell Brine.
So the first thing you need for this tasty dish are potatoes. (Joe dumps full sack of Idaho potatoes on to the flimsy card tables with all of them except 2 rolling off) OH GODDAMNIT!!!
Marc: Little Joeybear, those look like regular potatoes. I only eat sweet potatoes.
Conneaut Joe: OH HIIIIIII JASON FROM LAGUNA BEACH!
Marc: God, why am I even here? This place is literally the foulest, most disgusting place I could be on a Sunday.
Charlie: YOU CAN COME TO MY HOUSE BUD!
Marc: Ugh…second foulest….
Charlie: Hahaha, I’m soooo TIIIIIIIIIIIITE!
Marc: (ignores surroundings and starts texting on phone looking unpleased)
Little Michael: Can we hurry this up? Your defending champ doesn’t need to hear any of this. I obviously know how to play, I don’t like casseroles, and me and my brother Matt are trying to get to the Casino.
Matt: A LITTLEEEEEEEEEEE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICHAEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (shot guns a beer)
Conneaut Joe: Brine, are these more of your cousins?
Commissioner Brian: What? Yes man, you’ve met them tons of times…
Conneaut Joe: (looking confused) I think I know Big Matty M … (mumbles inaudibly and throws a crumpled piece of paper toward Matt and Mike)
Conneaut Joe – Well back to what you all care about anyway, the Stanonik Tailgate Casserole. (Conneaut Joe pulls out a rusty looking pocket knife from his PBR case and starts hastily peeling a potato, the members of FFBMCO look on intrigued if not confused. He reaches under a card table and dumps a pile of pepper pieces on top.)
GJ: Alright, Joe! It looks like you did some prep work there, thanks! Otherwise we’d have to stand here and watch you slice up all those peppers and we’d probably miss the start of the game. Always good to prep to save time during live demos! Tips to know, Farina!
Conneaut Joe: Oh that is right GJ, I went up to Conneaut yesterday and harvested these from my dad’s place and cut them up while I was watching CSPAN…THEY’RE SPICY BITCH! … I’m going to need a ride back to Lakewood after this GJ…
Pun: Oh gosh, I bet they’re not spicy to me. Man you ever gonna get to the chicken wings?
Conneaut Joe: What the hell Pun, I don’t make commonfolk tailgate dishes. This is a Stanonik delicacy!
Pun: Man but I made sauce…
Conneaut Joe: OHHH SORRY LITTLE PUN!!! Go take your sauce to a TYPICAL CLOWNS table somewhere else in this urine soaked parking lot! Anyway, once you have your potatoes peeled and sliced, throw them in the bucket (hastily grabs handfuls of cut up potatoes and violently spikes them into pot).
Next we add the water. (Dumps a gallon of distilled water into the pot with all kinds of splashing).
Mike Dilger: Let us not forget the 3rd commissioner vacancy. I really am humbled by earning the right to be the 2017 commissioner and I would be honored (abruptly cut off)
Conneaut Joe: Oh it’s little Dilinger!
Mike Dilger: Uh, that’s Dilg (abruptly cut off again)
Conneaut Joe: I didn’t vote for you Dilinger! But the Golden Boy Farm sure has a polite little record of derailing your seasons! Actually you did bring up a good point though, there is a vacancy for the 3rd FFBMCO Commissioner like there is every year. So if you want to be a commissioner contact Shaunnie Herrick or Hawaiian Brine and they’ll tell you what you need to do. Personally I don’t really get why anyone would waste their time, huh huh waste their time.
Adam: ARGH! I should have been the commissioner but all you DOUCHE BAGS didn’t vote for me. That beat worse than a Dominoes Brooklyn Style pizza argh argh!!!
Nick Speck: Man I still feel like the new kid in town, what does the 3rd commissioner do?
Conneaut Joe: What the hell? Who are you?
Nick Speck: I’m Nick Speck, I run Norahsaurus Rex.
Conneaut Joe: (looking confused) Brine? Is this another cousin? Aw goddamnit it’s like Saved By the Bell the New Class with all your cousins…
Commissioner Brian: No Joe, Nick was another PNC dude…
Conneaut Joe: (confused) Oh…Fish?
Commissioner Brian: No Joe, Nick Speck. Just like he said…
Nick Speck: (giggling) Joe man, I’ve heard so many stories about you, it’s an honor to finally meet you.
Conneaut Joe: (still confused) Nick Haithcock?
Commissioner Brian: No Joe. (Looking at Speck) Nick, Joe cranked this out this morning. Please read and pass around to the other fellas.
Conneaut Joe: AW GODDAMNIT!!! ANYWAYS, NEXT YOU PUT THE FUCKIN SAUCE IN!!! (Violently squeezes ValuTime ketchep into the big metal pot containing water, peeled and sliced potatoes, and cut up peppers)
Nick Haithcock: Joe! Bro…I’ve tailgated with you so many times man, how did you not know that wasn’t me?
Conneaut Joe: Oh go to hell Haithcock!
Nick Haithcock: SHEESH! I thought we were boys, we always text about possible trades…
Conneaut Joe: Well I’m trying to show you all how to make a tasty dish!!! I keep getting interrupted and it’s pissing me off!!!
Matt Cole: Oh man, then I guess now might not be a good time to say that Jude is going through a major Harry Potter phase so I read him our 2017 FFBMCO intro post from last year and he really liked it.
Conneaut Joe: Oh that’s nice Matty Cole but please don’t interrupt with anything off topic unless you’re going to make an announcement about bringing back an annual toga party!
Brian Crez: AWESOME GREEN HOUSE TOGA PARTIES!!!
Conneaut Joe: (chuckling) Remember when I won toga king when I dressed in my Soviet Era USSR themed toga? That was precious!
Brian Crez: I sure do, it was AWESOME! And you know what else is awesome? OFF THE TEAM GETS THE FIRST PICK OF THE DRAFT THIS YEAR!!!
Matt Cole: Oh no, I thought I was #1?
Brian and Shaun in unison: Sorry Matty C, you are #2.
Matt Cole: Daws Boot? More like Daws SHOOT!
Conneaut Joe: GOD! HERE!!!! (Throws tons of crumpled up pieces of paper into the live audience. Curious owners pick them up and uncrumple them to see it’s the 1st round draft order)
Adam – Argh! Good fuck! This has more typos than a dyslexic dumb slut after a good bang!
Tim – HAHAHA! Joey I thought you were a journalism major back in the day?!
Conneaut Joe: FUCK YOU STIFFLER!!! (Crumples up PBR can and viciously throws it in Timmy’s general direction but doesn’t come anywhere close to hitting anyone). You know what!!! I’m done!!! (Kicks over the big metal bucket and pulls out cell phone) TIFF! Send dad down to the cesspool Muni Lot to get me out of here! What? Ugh, GODDAMNIT! GJ LET’S GO I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
GJ: Me and Bobby are gonna go watch the game at Dive Bar…
Conneaut Joe: AW GODDAMNIT!!! (Chugs a PBR too fast and starts coughing and punching his chest)
Multiple Owners together, concerned: Joe!! Joe!!! Are you ok man!!?? You look over pressurized!
Conneaut Joe: cough cough FUCK YOU! (Throws empty PBR box towards the audience. He starts collecting trash and places it on top of the turned over table with a livid face. He then does the unthinkable…he pulls out a lighter and begins lighting the pile of trash on top of the table on fire. For a brief moment he stands directly behind the burning table & trash with his arms out.) MAKE ME A FUCKIN FRUITTTTT DRINNNNNKKKKK!!!! THE GOLDEN BOY FARM WILL NEVER NEED A TRUMP HANDOUT!!!!!! (He promptly sprints towards Marginal Road and into the woods quickly out of sight).
Commissioner Brian: Damn, now that’s a top 10 Joe storm off…
flabbrgasted owners disperse and the camera fades to black…
