League.
We may have entered a little dark age with Nick Fischer and his gang of Leonard Washingtons sitting atop the league throne. Never has our great league experienced a champion who refuses to collect prizes, refuses the champion feast and even refuses the physical symbol of greatness, our FFBMCO cup.
Look what it has been reduced to since Leonard Washingtons handily won FFBMCO BOWL VIII.
This trophy used to mean something. And now it sits idle, in a garage, collecting dust.
Our champion has scheduled a press conference from COVID ravaged Florida, specifically the Mar a Lago playground of his friend and former president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. Fish and Trump were adamant that no LAMESTREAM MEDIA members were to be present, so they will have the podium with nobody having the ability to ask any follow up questions or elaborations on whatever they have to say. Apparently both gentlemen were very angry and embarrassed after FFBMCO’s own (and former Kent State University journalism major) Joe “Conneaut Joe” Stanonik put on a disguise shortly after Fish won the FFBMCO Bowl which led to all types of memorable soundbites.
Anyway, let’s see what our champion has to tell us.
Nick Fischer: …Sup…
Man…I almost quit this league every year. Too many of ya’ll soft. But when I saw that the great business tycoon Donald Trump was running for president back in 2016 I got inspired. He brought up so many points which resonated with me and I realized as a college educated white man with a solid full time salary job with very competitive benefits, I’m oppressed AF. So I said fuck it, I’m finna build a SQUAD and take the THRONE! AND HERE I AM!!! Nobody had faith in me, not even Big Tone BUT YOU ALL BETTER BEND THE KNEE!!! I used to poach hoes off Bumble but now that I’m a KING I’ve moved to the classier Hinge ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF!!!
Donald Trump: Wonderful, just fantastic.
Nick Fischer: Anyway, I hope that ya’ll are ready to enter THE ERA OF THE FISH!!! No more PARTICIPATION TROPHIES!!! I got some damn letter from FFBMCO Headquarters earlier over the offseason that I didn’t even open LMAO. So fuck it, I’ll open it up right now on camera and read it live from Mar a Lago.
Dear Mr. Fischer,
Congratulations on your well earned title. Please note that it’s customary for the FFBMCO Champion to accept a coronation feast with trophy presentation.
-LMAO TBN!!!
We have received word that you are not allowing any press at your press conference. That seems like a blatant oxymoron but as such we will respect your wishes and ask that you simply read this note for the benefit of the league:
-Puh! That’s not even true, I got Newsmax and QAnon bloggers all over TRUMP’S PALACE here. Better check your facts bro!!!
There are two changes to announce before FFBMCO’s ninth season begins.
First, due to popular vote, there will be an additional IR spot for each roster. In the era of COVID-19 owners made it clear that roster flexibility is more important than it has ever been.
-Man are we seriously talking about COVID?! We had a normal summer! Why don’t we have more IR spots for the flu?! SOFT!!!
Second, there will be an OPTIONAL contest for teams that don’t make the FFBMCO postseason. For $10, a team that is not postseason eligible can participate in a contest that runs the duration of the FFBMCO playoffs. Your roster will be locked but the highest scoring player at each position (regardless of if they are in a starting lineup or on a bench) will be counted for that week, and then tallied each of the remaining two weeks of the FFBMCO playoffs. There are no matchups, just a 3 week running sum of optimal starting lineups for each participant. Winner takes the pot.
Please note that this is NOT a replacement to the FFBMCO side game which scores rostered FFBMCO players in the NFL Playoffs, it is an additional optional game.
-A FUCKING CONTEST FOR LOSERS?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I JUST SAID NO PARTICIPATION AWARDS! Man I swear I might be too alpha for this beta ass league. I dunno if I’m gonna come back next year. I HATE that we have to acknowledge Diwali at the West Annex!!!
Donald Trump: Just like last November, I’m positive there was voter fraud for that additional IR spot. They can blame it on the JJJJJINA virus all they want but it was a corrupt fraud filled vote.
Now that the two major changes have been communicated, we are very proud to announce that all 20 owners are returning. As we head into season 9, we have only had three owners leave the league. Incredible! Here are important dates related to the upcoming season:
Saturday August 28th – Five keepers locked per team. Electing keepers is not part of the mobile app, so please plan accordingly or text a league creator (Shaun Herrick 330-604-1468 or Brian Lilley-Longville 330-697-9741) with your keepers and they will make sure they are locked.
-BLL lol…he think he’s so tight. He kinda beats. I don’t even know the other dude…
Donald Trump: Sounds like they are two cancel culture woke liberals.
-Lol yeah, I used to work with BLL. One time he used his PNC points to buy an Ultimate Warrior Bluray, The Picture of Dorian Gray paperback and a Kid Cudi cd LMAOOOOOO.
Donald Trump: MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Thursday September 2nd – FFBMCO Draft at 8pm EDT. If desired, a Google Meet/Zoom/Skype etc. meeting can be set up for some real time interaction with your fellow team owners on cam.
-I guarantee you this other dude I used to work with, Nick HATEcock, pushed for this. He’s a trip. Dude puts people that he thinks aren’t working on a fraud Excel file LMAOOOOO.
Donald Trump: I wonder if he’s read Art of the Deal…
Thursday September 9th – The NFL is underway. FFBMCO stats start counting for real.
-Maybe I’ll see if CJ wants to go watch that first game with me in Westpark.
Donald Trump: He is the enemy who dressed up as me to get you to talk last year! You might not be MAGA enough for me!
-Oh man, I was so wasted I didn’t even know lol.
Donald Trump: THE INDIANS ARE ASHAMED OF THE NAME GUARDIANS!!! THE NAME INDIANS HONORS THEM!!!
There are some additional items we have to consider (The NFL expanded their regular season to 18 weeks/17 games, what action will we take if any?) but before we can make any decisions a third tie-breaking commissioner needs to be elected. This year there are five fine candidates who will be labeled A – E below. Please read each question and answer and cast your vote on the FFBMCO homepage.
-Oh boy, more voting. We know how this will end…
Donald Trump: FRAUD!!!
1. If you were hosting a party, what would your opening song on the playlist be?
A There’s no music at my party. It’s MY party. Instead, I will speak choruses similar to a Catholic church…hypnotic hymns that you all will echo back to me. The opening “phase” of this “party” lasts 1 hour, then I unlock the doors (I can’t promise the next 3 hours will be as fun though).
B Bon Jovi – You Give Love A Bad Name. A good party mix should be all rise baby!
C Right above it – Lil Wayne
D Well it would be a Boat party and I would choose Redneck Yacht Club.
E Snoop Doggy Dogg – Gin and Juice
2. If you could pick 3 other people alive or dead to sit down with you for dinner, who would you choose and why?
A Topanga, Alyssa Milano, and Heather Locklear. Why? To pick their brains, obviously.
B Hugh Jackman – Dude does everything plus he’s Wolverine, Andre The Giant – He could drink plus I’m sure he has stories, Phil Mickelson – I used to hate this guy but over the years I have grown to enjoy him.
C Dylan, Dylan and Dylan
D Orville/Wilbur Wright(they count as 1) because I love airplanes, John Daly because I love golf and beer and food and not giving a beat on the golf course, Hugh Hefner because he would bring his posse of spicers!
E Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Conan O’ Brien. Why? Because it would be fun to just laugh my ass off the whole time.
3. At a very general level, how do you handle conflict?
A This is a good one…over the years I’v learned a lot including the fact: most people are weak and avoid conflict. So I like hitting conflict head on, find the point of view I agree with and then belittling the “wrong” party slowly over time. “Time” being months to years till eventually you can just say a catch word and it sparks the reaction of them hanging their head for being so so sooooo wrong years ago.
B Be honest but calm. Most of us are at the age where we don’t need that drama bs.
C Love conflict. Dive right in.
D Internalize it and joke about it and bury it with inebriation until it explodes in a tad bit of anger but mainly frustration and annoyance.
E Probably not as good as I should. I am real emotional so I think I react too quickly and too intensely sometimes. I’ve learned a lot over the last year or two though!
4. With the NFL extending it’s season a week, what action (if any) should FFBMCO take?
A. Keep the regular season at 13 games
B. Extend the regular season to 14 games
C. Other (if other please elaborate)
A C Other. Have a play in week for the 4 highest scorers of the regular season regardless of division, top two advance. Extend the playoff….wild card week baby!
B C. Week 14 – But with a twist. The top ten highest scores (regardless who you play) get a win. It can be either just starters or starters and bench.
C B
D B. Extend the regular season to 14 games – and see how the NFL teams handle sitting their starters if they clinch a playoff spot early this year. If our championship winds up with a lot of benched starters then discuss going back to 13.
E B
5. What NFL weeks should be FFBMCO’s playoff duration weeks? (Note – in the past NFL weeks 14,15 & 16 were FFBMCO’s playoff weeks)
A 14 will be play in, 15, 16, 17 will be the playoffs
B Weeks 15, 16, 17
C ALIGNING WITH ABOVE QUESTION, adjust to follow. 15,16,17
D 15-16-17 See my response to question 4 for my reasoning.
E 15, 16, 17
6. What is FFBMCO’s biggest strength?
A 20 teams and keepers
B The fact that we are going into year 9 and we only lost 2 or 3 original owners speaks for itself.
C Fish Fest and longevity of most members. Keeping it on same platform and a model that promotes parity.
D The Owners by far. We have healthy conflict and engagement year over year that results in continued improvements and new trials for ways to keep things spicy! The owners make the league.
E The commitment of all the owners.
7. What is FFBMCO’s biggest weakness, and thoughts/ideas on how to address said weakness?
A Allow trades before the draft but AFTER the 5 players for each team are locked in.
B The QBs. No team should have more than 2 QBs on their roster. This way it helps those whose QBs get hurt or are on byes.
C Keeping owners interested and committed to their franchise. Bonuses have to go. Change far too many games and side games. This cannot remain. Didn’t know we had a league full of cupcake owners wanting handouts!
D Personally, if you miss the playoffs it sucks to be done enjoying fantasy football for the rest of the year. I really want to find a way to keep all the non playoff teams engaged but in a way that doesn’t diminish the playoff teams accomplishments but also allows the rest of the league to keep doing something fantasy football related. The side game added last year really favored the powerhouse teams so it wasn’t too exciting for the middling and tanking teams to participate.
E I always say this, we have too many keepers. Even just one less keeper would make a huge difference for parity, IMO.
8. Do you have any ideas on monthly prizes that haven’t been awarded in the past? If not, what were some of your favorite prizes that were open to the league to be won?
A Do that thingy where a celebrity sports person leaves you a personalized video message…I’d keep that for years.
B I liked the hat prize. Gift cards are always good.
C The custom Hat was TIGHT. Custom golf ball marker with team name. Entry into side games that occur at end of season. Akron football ticket. A futures bet of choice.
D As generic as it sounds, I like the idea of Amazon gift cards because it doesn’t limit what you can get as a prize. Maybe we can make it whoever wins the gift card has to present what they chose to buy with it so we can shame them endlessly. I would also like rounds of golf or other outdoor sports related gifts(corn holes, bocce balls, a nice outdoor lounge chair or something, etc…) But honestly the brewskis are also a great monthly prize.
E A round of golf somewhere, but I know not all owners are golfers. Maybe a free streaming subscription.
9. Will you bring any fresh/new ideas to the commissioning unit to benefit the league? If so, please share.
A Monthly OPTIONAL video zoom…30 minutes again totally optional but you can put a face to the team name and talk about trades and rules and such…building off of the weekly newsletter approach.
B Limit the number of QBs on each roster. We should also do an end of the year awards. Like Sleeper Pick of the Year or Worst Move of the Year. We can always have a virtual awards ceremony week before Super Bowl.
C Vaccines required. Masks optional. Mandatory golf outing. Scramble teams based on division. Scramble in a stableFord format . Change FA to auction style .
D See question 7 for my biggest issue I would like to address as your commissioner. Otherwise some of the major pain points every year relate to the QB backup rules and waiver wire angst. I would like to continue to improve on those rules and see if there are any changes that could make things better
E Not really. I’ll just be the tiebreaker between Brian and Shaun. I don’t always agree with their views.
10. Should anything outside the standard prize money, champion feast & trophy updating occur if a future champion has a flawless undefeated season culminating in a title?
A Optional to get a SMALL ffbmco logo comped tattoo
B If you go undefeated, you deserve a jacket and or ring. At very least, they do not have to pay their dues for the following year.
C No, don’t think so.
D If someone has a flawless season my suggestion is the following year the 19 non flawless teams pay an extra $3 each and everyone pitches in to pay for the flawless teams season buy in. $3 is minimal and I do believe it should be celebrated if someone achieves the almost impossible.
E Lifetime of free league dues.
11. Are you vaccinated?
A Yes…I never got mumps.
B Yes. Please, if your doctor says you are eligible get your shot.
C HIPAA
D I followed the expertise of my physician and got the vaccine as soon as fucking possible(his words not mine). Facebook didn’t trick me on this one thankfully.
E Yeah, I would like to not have to talk about or deal with COVID anymore, so why the fuck wouldn’t I get vaccinated?!
12. Is winning the league or is seeing the entire league enjoy the season more important to you?
A Joy is temporary…we will all be dead in 20 years max anyways. Winning is more important to me…
B Winning. Cause when I win the entire league is happy.
C Winning. “I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at fantasy. Fuck this guy.”
D Seeing the entire league enjoy the season. Winning is obviously amazing but only 1 out of 20 win it so I want to make sure the other 19 teams also end the season satisfied(even if they had a bad loss in playoffs and are a bit bummed)
E Winning the league. I don’t even know half the people in it! lol
13. FFBMCO brains are plotting an epic 10 year anniversary … “experience” to occur sometime in the summer of 2022. Do you have any ideas on how to make the 10th season extra fun/memorable/enjoyable etc? If so, elaborate.
A Multi sport survivor….similar to the andre the giant trophy in wwe. A NEW trophy for this once in a decade event…optional to attend but like at dave and busters and have as many events as possible and even frolf outside and putt putt and nhl 94 etc etc…there will be 1 “champion of the decade”
B Weekend golf outing/draft. We have 5 groups make it even based off of skill levels. Whatever team wins, each team gets one additional win on the season or are the first four members to pick in the draft. Or if majority cannot do golf outing/weekend getaway we can book a suite at some sporting event in a central location of entire league and do our draft there. Heck we can even book an afternoon at TopGolf and do our draft together. I feel for 10 years, we need to do this in person, possibly even have a big board where we write each name of our players we draft.
C No bonuses. Play as many teams as possible no repeats
D We should do a live/video conference draft that is more interactive and controlled by the league instead of Yahoo’s timer. While it does make it efficient to go the Yahoo route it also makes it feel very utilitarian and impossible to barely even comment on a pick before 3 more picks have been made. Since we do have so many rounds in the draft we could put quick time limits on the later round picks. I also think maybe we can make the prize pool bigger next year(just for one year then back to original cost) so we can go big on some monthly prizes. I also think it would be awesome to get an official FFBMCO branded clothing line going. Maybe since football leads into the cooler weather we could make hoodies with the FFBMCO brand on it with a 10 year anniversary moniker. Brian would do all the work for that and we can just send him money to purchase them.
E Definitely polos of some kind with something tight embroidered on it.
14. Closing remarks/notes:
A Thank you for this opportunity in being the 3rd commissioner en route to taking over the league. Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we’ve been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. A never-ending fight. I say to you, and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of north-eastern Ohio, I ask you once more: Rise and be worthy of this historical hour! No revolution is worth anything if it cannot defend itself! Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty: to change their perception. I say salesmen… and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland!
B Vote for me and I’ll do my best to let your keepers be.
C I’ve been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist. So people often ask me, man, what are your weaknesses? Do you have any? I would say that my biggest flaw, my Achilles heel, is my tireless work ethic.
D HAVE A DEAL OF A YEAR AND GO BLAKE BORTLES!!!!
E GO BROWNS! RICKADAIR!
-Man I KNEW! This league was going to bring up shots. THE ONLY SHOTS I GET ARE JAMESON ARF ARF ARF ARF!!!!
Donald Trump: Very fake Chinese virus…
Once the 3rd commissioner has been elected (voting will close 9/2, the date of our draft) the September contest and prize will be announced before the NFL kicks off on Thursday 9/9.
FFBCMO Corporate would once again like to congratulate Nick Fischer and the Leonard Washingtons on their successful reign as champions and we thank our champion for reading this announcement to keep the rest of the league in tune with what’s going on.
Best of luck to all 20 franchises.
-Wow…man I can’t believe I read all of that for the greater good of our community. I must be getting soft…PUMP HOES STACK DOUGH! POUND PUSS! FISHFEST22 ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF!!!!
Donald Trump: I’m going to go beat Baron at golf, don’t forget to donate to all of my causes that you receive via email.
-Hope you aren’t using old Wilson irons LMAO. END TRANSMISSION MFZ!!!
Well that was an…interesting “press” conference. Heaven help us. Will one of the other 19 gladiators step up and reclaim integrity and decency for FFBMCO?
As mentioned during our champions’ on air doctrine reading, keepers must be submitted by next Saturday 8/28 and our draft is Thursday 9/2.
Here is the draft order, Stand Your Ground…you’re on the clock (will you draft another QB?):
Now lets close on a bit of good news shall we? As we stated back in 2013, FFBMCO will recognize positive life milestones of our trusty franchise owners. We have a few new (at least three?!?!) FFBMCO hatchlings on the way but we’ll hold off on officially announcing them until they are actually present on this third rock from the sun. We also have a freshly engaged FFBMCO brother, but again until the knot is officially tied we will remain patient for the acknowledgement. Until then, let’s give it up for our Ol’ OG Champion Ol’ Bob Goricki of Brick Tamland fame for increasing his squad from 3 to 4 by officially adopting his nephew Matthew. Congrats Bob!
We also are proud to announce that one of the sexiest womanizers Kent State and FFBCMO has ever come across is officially off the market. Yes it’s true, Marc Poo Punchers Unrated Kellner became a married man in the offseason. As the husband, I wonder if he’s in charge of all the BILLZ BILLZ BILLZ BILLZ BILLZ or if some other polite arrangement has been agreed to. Marc was in a timeless ballerish subtle suit while bride Amy wasn’t shy about flaunting her excitement for marrying an FFBMCO stallion with 55 victories and over 10,000 points to his name. In any event, congratulations Marc!
FFBMCO is truly happy for not only these gents, but all of you. We can’t wait to share more good news as it occurs.
Please don’t forget to vote for your favorite 2021 Commissioner candidate on the poll to the left.
It’s a clean slate boys. Anything is possible. You want greatness? GO GET IT.
