FFBMCO corporate finally reconvened over a month after league headquarters was thrust into chaos by Nick Fischer and his supporters after his big FFBMCO Bowl VIII win over Timmy Derp’s Derpers back in late December – a belligerent crowd that breached the complex in an unprecedented act to cause chaos and buck the trend of how former FFBMCO champions behave.
With hindsight now on our side, it can be argued there were plenty of warning signs in the past that eventually led to the horrible attack on FFBMCO. A couple seasons back, Leonard Washingtons, the FFBMCO franchise managed by Fish was mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Just to cause chaos and controversy, he dropped a starting RB for no reason at all other than to watch the fire burn once he pressed the button. Sure enough, it created a very heated problem at the worst possible time and league officials had no choice but be reactive rather than proactive. FFBMCO now has behavior like this outlawed and details are etched in stone in the rules section of our website. But could seeing the disaster he created out of the motive of simply “to watch what happens” have given him a taste to cause future, bigger chaos in our great league?
Earlier this past season, Leonard Washingtons won the September contest. If you remember, the prize was a Nike dri fit polo in the colors of the winner’s choice. Instead of answering the door when the delivery people came, Fish elected to text an FFBMCO commissioner at 7pm and ask “can you click on that tracking number and see if it was delivered? Someone buzzed me so I’m not sure.”
Now this is a league of warriors. Adult warriors. We can’t be babysitting our brothers in the league. Sure enough at 9am when Fish received the reply that “yes, that was the package…” Fish went down to his mail room and there was no longer any package. The prized FFBMCXO polo had been jacked. Someone outside of our league now owns a quality FFBMCO garment. To Fish’s credit, he did work with the company and was able to get them to re-ship the exact same item so he was able to claim his prize…but that wasn’t all of the abnormal behavior…
Look, whether we like it our not the Leonard Washingtons have a great starting lineup. For the first time in league history, there was a lot of warranted expectations for this team to make some noise. Sure enough the franchise was awarded the Comeback of the Year award. Nick Fischer led his squad to a 4 game improvement from 2019 which ultimately led to the Leonard Washingtons’ FFBMCO title. As we know winning the Comeback of the Year results in the winner getting to choose 12 seasonal beers or 24 non-alcoholic beverages of their choice. When contacted with the official news, Fish’s reply was “just get me a couple beers during Fish Fest, it’s only 2 months away.”
Now even though some humans no longer trust “SCIENCE!” in the 21st century, there has been a global pandemic ravaging Earth since early 2020. When Fish received the reply “uh, COVID-19 is still a thing. My brother in law currently has it.” His reply was “he’ll be fine.” Looking back, could this exchange have helped fuel his desire to upend FFBMCO normalcy and storm headquarters to help own all the libs that trust scientists from all over the planet? In a more recent exchange, Fish contacted the league asking about his reward beer. The reply he received was “you never said what you wanted when you were asked, what 12 seasonals do you want?” His reply? “Tight summer ales!” Folks…it’s February. Why won’t this madman drunk on his recent publicity and league status just answer a simple question?
Heading into FFBMCO Bowl VIII Nicky Flash contacted the league about splitting the prize money with his opponent thus completely watering down not only our sacred championship but all of the hard work every single one of you put into the season. When he received a quick “no, that sort of thing will never be officially sanctioned by the league, we aren’t soft” he replied “man, you’re a dictator.” Could Fish’s feeling of oppression, however asinine and false they were in real life, have lit a flame in him to storm league headquarters which symbolizes fantasy football rules, regulations, order and history?
Once the anticlimactic FFBMCO Bowl dust settled, Fish and his Leonard Washingtons were victorious. They are the well deserved 2020 league champions. However when FFBMCO Financial swiftly sent Fish his winnings electronically, he said he did not receive them and to send again. A bush league attempt to try and pull a fast one over the accounting department. Luckily Fish immediately backed down when FFBMCO gave him the threat of sending his former colleague / current master of karate Ryan Cooksey to his apartment to regulate. However then came the time where the newly crowned champion gets to help schedule when he will be presented with his hard earned trophy and be officially coronated complete with a feast. In true “not your typical champion, I’m a straight shooter and drain all the swamps I’m in!” style, the champion stated “if it’s just one trophy that moves around you can just hang on to it.”
So for the first time in this extraordinary league’s existence, the trophy is sitting idle in a cold garage.
When FFBMCO corporate communications sent the traditional 10 questions to our champion, unsurprisingly his reply was “nah, I’m good.”
FFBMCO changed the moment Super Bowl VIII concluded.
However this is FFBMCO!!!
We will never be defeated!
A champion can try all he wants to ruffle the norms of our great institution and ultimately THEY WILL FAIL!
Former Kent State University journalism major Joseph Stanonik (who is also the owner of The Golden Boy Farm) was instrumental in stealthily extracting information out of our champion to continue the fine tradition of the champion sharing their thoughts and feelings to the league. FFBMCO interns dressed him up in a disguise and trotted him off to a rally in the hopes to get our 2020 champion to give us some words.
According to Joey Bear the exchange went a little like this:
Conneaut Joe as Trump: Nick Fischer! Nick Fischer! BIGLY congratulations are in order for your tremendous winning of FFBMCO!
Our FFBMCO Champion: No way! Sup Trump!!! PUMP HOES, STACK DOUGH ARF ARF ARF!!!
CJ: Yeah, grab em by the pussy! I have an amazing spread of fast food sandwiches for you, please be my guest and enjoy them while we talk!
FFBMCO Champ: Dammmmnnnn, we going to Mar-a-Lago!?
CJ: Er uh…no no, we will covfefe at the Kenilworth, I know you like to stay in your familiar surroundings.
FFBMCO Champ: So tight, there’s a DIME working this shift!!!
CJ: Just tremendous when you’re famous like me I can walk up to her like a bitch, let’s head there now and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN !
CJ (now from the Worth): Now once again, on behalf of myself, all of my supporters, and all of your supporters…congratulations on a tremendous FFBMCO title run!
FFBMCO Champ: I’m so tight! I’m gonna tell Conneaut Joe to bend the knee and atone 74.2 million times between now and next season…in honor of how many people voted for you!
CJ (breaking character): AW GODDAMNIT!
FFBMCO Champ:…what the? You sounded just like…
CJ: (clears throat) Ahem, here pound some of these shots, they’re on my tab!
FFBMCO Champ:(Fish rips 4 shots in a row) ARF ARF ARF ARF!!!! Look how jacked I’m getting *flexes muscle*
CJ: Wonderful, just tremendous. Did you give any sound bytes to the FAKE NEWS after you won?
FFBMCO Champ: Hell naw, I’M A PATRIOT! I LOVE POUNDING PUSS, POUNDING BEERS, AND FREEDOM!!!
CJ: A BIGLY PATRIOT!! REMARKABLE, PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE,ALMOST AS MUCH OF A STABLE GENIUS AS ME! I can tell you have no ties to ChhhhhhhJine-uh! Well I think many of our supporters would love to hear from the reigning champion, you know just two tremendous winners having some locker room talk that we can share with all of our QAnon friends and such?
FFBMCO Champ: Should I text this bumble ho back? *Pounds a beer*
CJ: (breaking character) Oh hi Nick Fischer, focus up please!
FFBMCO Champ: (drunk and bleary eyed) …bro! So weird, you sound just like CJ… he’s this dude I know from…
CJ: Nevermind, he’s probably not a winner like us. Now give us some inspiring words, we will share them with all the loyal freedom lovers on Parler to inspire.
FFBMCO Champ: *Rips shot* Man FFBMCO tried to make me do some dumb interview. I said hell no, I’m too tight for that. I LOVE people who don’t send me stupid questions to answer! I consider myself to be healthy enough (flexes again) and fitness is whatever to me, this is just naturally jacked, mostly due to factors such as having an obsessed ex girlfriend…???…
CJ: *looking very impatient and irritated* Wonderful, and what do you think the best part of the day is?
FFBMCO Champ: Morning because it’s a new day!
CJ: And what do you hope to hear some day?
FFBMCO Champ: Prez 45 keeping it real! Oh shit, we’re doing that right now!!! I’M SO TIGHT!!! Is this even real???
CJ: Uh huh, and what is your favorite movie of all time?
FFBMCO Champ: AVATAR!!!
CJ: *laughs* Coughs and clears throat uh sorry, sometimes my perfect health acts up if I’m in a low class tavern like this. I usually only frequent white collar places that have unlimited diet Coke refills and grill the finest well done steaks with the fanciest of ketchups that they even spell catsup to dip in! Anyway, what’s the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?
FFBMCO Champ: *Drunkenly* How much time ya got buddy?! Man, in the past I have been hurt by Julebear when I was dating her because she just turned too crazy when she joined Crossfit. DAMNIT! *drunkenly puts head down*
CJ: Chin up CHAMPION! You had the biggest championship coronation in FFBMCO history! Usually only the commissioners are present, you had the entire league there PLUS all your Leonard Washington deplorables!
FFBMCO Champ: OH SOOOOOOOOOOOO TIGHT!!! Man, I…wait … I thought I told them I didn’t want one? I said they could just leave the trophy with whoever won it last year…
CJ: Take another shot! What do you hope to achieve in your 30s?
FFBMCO Champ: A FEW BABIES ARF ARF ARF ARF!!!!
CJ: *breaks character with a loud sigh, clears throat* What would you like to change?
FFBMCO Champ: Well the president for one thing!!! I think that I absolutely CANNOT go 4 years with Biden…
CJ: *giggles* TOO BAD BITCH! *He rips off his disguise, yells incoherently towards the general direction of the bar “MAKE ME A FUCKIN FRUIT DRINK!!! LITTLE NICKIE’S IN BIDEN’S AMERICA NOW, SMACK!!!”
FFBMCO Champ: *looking very drunk and utterly confused* Joe man! How’d you get here?! I was just shooting the shit with Trump! MAGA ALL DAY ARF ARF ARF ARF, BEND THE KNEE CJ!!!
CJ: *pounds his exotically colored fruit drink* I DON’T THINK SO FISH! AND I JUST GOT YOUR FFBMCO CHAMPION Q&A WHICH WILL SOON BE POSTED TO THE WEBSITE! AND THERE IS NO TRUMP TAB, ALL THESE DRINKS ARE ON YOU BITCH!!! *Joe quickly storms off like a bull in a china shop knocking over chairs and glasses in the process*
FFBMCO Champ: *doesn’t even notice and is actively engaged on his cell phone, perusing all the Bumble girls who may get a shot to frolic with the champ*
So there we have it brothers. A job well deserved to our reigning champion. However he learned that even with his attempts at causing chaos and confusion, THE LEAGUE ALWAYS WINS. We also have Nick Haithcock of 954 Vice City who absolutely despises rule breaking and anything disrupting productivity. He will have his fraud.xlsx file ready and able to monitor the behavior of our 2020 champion until his tenure has ended.
To prove we are back at business as usual, let’s change gears.
The third place $100 game went down between Poo Punchers Unrated and The Replacements and Dr. Marc “New Dad” KellDiggyPooPanz earned a crispy benjamin that he can deposit into an Ohio 529 college savings plan.
The revamped NFL Playoff FFBMCO Side Hustle resulted with LM’s Gamblerz coming on top and earning the $180 pot. Keep in mind this unfortunately had to be tracked manually so if any participant wants to audit or challenge the results, you have until this Sunday 2/21. Otherwise LM will be electronically sent his winnings. Here are the full results:
Chesty McDoon’s – 29.3
FunkyEngineThatCould – 31.2
Daws Boot – 67.19
Leonard Washingtons – 103.7
King of Cleveland – 135.04
Best in the World – 140.9
Timmy Derp’s Derpers – 191.55
The Replacements – 222.2
LM’s Gamblerz – 255.49
The voting has come to a close. We had 14 of 20 people cast their stones with the outcomes of:
1.) NOT increasing active roster size by an additional bench spot (draft remains the same, aka no change)
2.) *NEW CHANGE FOR 2021 AND BEYOND* Adding a 3rd IL spot to deal with injuries/COVID/the next global pandemic is.
Thanks to the 70% of you that voted. To the 30% of you that didn’t…why so sucky???
As always, each of you will be contacted this offseason to confirm you’ll be back for FFBMCO’s 9th season. The keepers will be locked sometime in August with the draft taking place in late August/early September but all the details will be shared here and on Facebook as we get closer to yet another magical season.
Until then, here is the 2021 1st round draft order:
The era of The Fish is officially upon us. We will pull together as one united league to weather these uncertain times and come out stronger on the other side…
